Sunday, June 1, 2014

Still....

A week before I turned 12 my older sister left home because my dad was attemping to or had been molesting her.  I was devastated as my mom had been in a prescription drug induced state since I was four and I had no one else that I was close to and trusted.  My sis was like a mom to me. She had been my companion, caretaker and best friend so I cried for days when she left. But no one knew as I clammed up when my dad came home from work each day.  I think there was improper touching with all three of us older children when we were younger. At almost 58 years old I find that I am still ashamed to say it out loud. I had a very turbulent childhood , adolescence and early adulthood. But I should be dead or drug  or alcohol addled so I am better off than I should have been. I have a 34 year old girl who is the light of my life and she is doing better all the time.I have been divorced from her dad for 29 years. I still love him and I understand him so much better now than when I was younger.  I did not have the knowledge and skills to have a successful relationship when we were married. Sometimes I think I do now but I may never know.  I have grown and learned and struggled as an adult to become more than I was destined to be but the one thing that still eludes me is a relationship with a man.  I grew up afraid of my father as his temper grew horrible after my mom had the first nervous breakdown (as they called it then). His rage and frustration grew as he struggled to take care of what became 6 children, work a job and live a life with a wife who never came back from the illness that stole her life and changed her family's lives forever. She sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes and talking to people who weren't there. And he took  care of us all but grew sick himself as time wore on. He had no normal life, few friends - no one came to the house because he was ashamed. His perversion grew over time and he came to his children for his sexual satisfaction. I have no specific memories but I got up every night during my ninth year and threw up alone in the bathroom. I told no one as there was no one to tell. My sister knew but she could do nothing so she watched as I climbed back into my bed. Yes, I did type 'bead' the first time. lol

It seems that about every year my mom was in the state hospital for 3 months for treatment and each of us was farmed out to relatives who cared for us during those times. That was no picnic either.  We were cared for but no one spoke about what was happening so we had no way to process all the things that scared us and made us insecure. Our bodies were taken care of but our minds and spirits were on their own. We never learned proper social interaction and I was so shy from being beaten down by my dad verbally that I didn't learn to make small talk until in my mid 20's when I needed to learn office behavior for jobs. It was a slow and painful process as I had many inhibitions and poor self image but I struggled to grow.

The neighborhood children that we went to school with picked on my family as we were the weak link in the area. School was a nightmare as the kids taunted us and rejected us so that we did not fit in anywhere.

Over time a deep deep sorrow grew in my heart and mind as nothing improved or changed. Then things became worse as my dad's perversion started. I think he was reading books that lead him there. What else I do not know.

After my sister and only friend left home I began running away from home as the pain of my haunted childhood was too much to bear alone. That is another whole story in itself and I may write on that later.

But to this day I still have some fear of men and have never learned to interact in a healthy way to make a long term relationship work. I also think that due to a poor self image I attracted the wrong type of men to make that happen . it has been a  long, painful and hard uphill battle all of my life. I have gotten to the point that I have a pretty happy life which I realized long ago was critical for my daughter's happiness. But that one thing still eludes me. A happy relationship with a loving man. I am tired of all the struggle and growing and now just want to settle in and enjoy my hobbies for the rest of my life. I grow flowers and vegetables. I love my dogs and make glass beads, work metal and design jewelry. But how sweet it would be to share that with a nice man. :o)